If, like me, you have a chronic illness and would like to start dating it can feel like an incredibly daunting task. But you’re in luck, because I’ve been dating now for a year and I’ve learnt some important lessons along way. And of course, I’m here to pass on the knowledge about dating with a chronic illness!
Is Dating Right For You?
Before we kick off with my 5 step process, I want to take a moment to acknowledge that many people don’t want to date, and that’s okay. One mindset I struggled with for a long time was that I should have a relationship, I should be dating, I should be living a ‘normal’ life. So first of all, I want you to chuck the word should straight in the bin. Should does nothing but bring shame and judgement.
For a long time I was just too sick to make space in my life for dating. And then when I started to recover my physical health, I had no interest in dating for a while. But about a year ago, I decided that I’d like to dip my toe in the water and see how it went.
So without further ado, here are my 5 steps for dating with a chronic illness.
Step 1. You are not your chronic illness.
In the depths of my illness, it was hard for me to see anything else. Lyme, Lupus, ME & Fibro filled me up all the way to the edges. I suffered depression & anxiety, and my self esteem plummeted to absolute rock bottom. None of this was helped by the fact that my body had changed and I didn’t recognise her anymore.
If I could go back and tell myself one thing, it would be to remind myself that I am valuable, loved and lovable. I would say that there is hope and no dark night lasts forever.
I can’t go back though, so I’m saying it to you.
The most important awakening I needed to have before I started dating was that I am way more than my chronic illness. I had to start finding myself again. I even asked my sister and closest friends to tell me what they loved about me. They all immediately shot back text messages telling me what they loved about me. Funny, caring, intelligent, fiery, reliable.
Start your journey into dating with a chronic illness by reminding yourself of who you are. You are a complete person who happens to have a chronic illness. And you know what? Anyone would be lucky to have you 😉.
Step 2. Be Upfront.
Don’t hide it, but don’t make it your identity.
Lots of people wonder whether they should introduce themselves as “Hi, I’m Sarah and by the way I have a chronic illness”. I wondered this, too. But I realised that that came from a place of believing that my chronic illness made me defunct and as if I would be burdening a potential partner. I had to revisit step 1!
I generally bring up my chronic illness after some messages have been exchanged and (this is the important bit) I have decided that this is a person I would like to meet.
It’s not about trying to find someone who will tolerate a chronic illness, it’s first and foremost about finding someone who lights your fire. You deserve that just as much as the next person. And by the way, in the year I’ve been dating, I have only met one person who had an issue with my chronic illness. One.
I usually mention that I enjoy blogging, and that one of my passions is raising awareness about Lyme Disease. That allows me to communicate that I have a chronic illness in a way that feels empowering to me.
Remember: you teach people how to treat you. If you present yourself as being all about your chronic illness, then how will they get to know the beautiful human being that you truly are? On the flip-side, if you were talking to someone who constantly went on about the same topic you’d probably get bored. Be your whole, true self!
Step 3. Maintain Boundaries.
Maintaining your own boundaries when dating with a chronic illness is crucial to having a safe, fun experience. Boundaries might include:
💚Avoiding late night dates if it interferes with your sleep schedule.
💚Taking time to ensure you’re looking after your mind, body & soul.
💚Not going into spoon debt.
💚Avoiding activities that are beyond your physical capabilities. Rock climbing sounds like loads of fun, but your joints might not be happy!
💚Never letting anyone make you feel ‘less than’ for having a chronic illness. The right person for you will be flexible and will not make you feel guilty or pressured to do things you don’t want to or are unable to.
Remember: you’re entitled to any boundary that you feel is necessary and you’re not asking too much when you expect others to respect them.
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Step 4. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Whereas step 3 is about ensuring that your potential partner is able to be flexible with you and your boundaries, step 4 is about how you might be able to be flexible with theirs.
Over the last year, I’ve discovered so many things about myself through dating. I’ve been to places I never would have visited, I’ve eaten foods I never knew existed, seen sights I never would have seen.
Opening myself up to new experiences and new people has enriched me on the deepest level. It’s been the greatest teacher, showing me that everyone has ‘stuff’, and just because my ‘stuff’ is a chronic illness, it doesn’t make me any less worthy.
Have I had some less than amazing experiences too? Yes! There are so many fish in the ocean, but there is also lots of trash. But I learnt something about what I don’t want.
Step 5. Have fun!
Dating with a chronic illness is not an exercise in finding someone who will tolerate your health picture.
Read that again.
Dating with a chronic illness can be fun, enriching, exciting and eye-opening! You deserve those experiences just as much as the next person.
When I realised that it was my mindset holding me back, and not my chronic illness, I was able to finally relax and open myself up. And a relaxed, open person is always an attractive person.
Dating with a Chronic Illness: Final Thoughts
The number one lesson I’ve learnt from the last year is that the only blocker was myself. The overwhelming majority of people are just not that concerned about me having a chronic illness. Most people are more concerned about their own ‘stuff’ and how other people will react to them. So, if you want to start dating, and decide to try, I’d love to hear from you! Let me know in the comments below.
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